When I am gone.

When you face your mortality every day, the mind turns to challenging and painful thoughts. I saw a momentary glimpse of unfathomably deep sadness on my dearest husband's face. This is the dark fear it brought creeping to the surface mind.

Will you sit and look at photographs of me
Still life memories of our life together?
Will your shoulders shake with repressed grief,
Will tears burst through and have their way?

How will it be for you when I am gone,
Stripped of my presence, my touch, my love?
Who will comfort you when the shadow overwhelms,
Who will find those errant keys ,chameleon glasses?
Who will laugh at your absent minded ways,
And love you for each one, never in spite?

I do not fear my passing from this world
I fear the depth of pain I leave behind
Yet I must walk my path, accepting of my fate,
Leaving you all that I am, even beyond the grave.

Return to the Chrysalis

"As you know, you found me at a time when my subconscious was screaming at me to change, and I did not know how to begin. With your gentle and loving guidance, profound yet peaceful transformations have begun in my life. I count you as one of the few souls I know and would recognize anywhere. You're just beautiful."

Just over ten years ago, I started a newsletter titled, "Out of the Chrysalis". It marked the beginning of my journey into the most beautiful and fulfilling stage of my life. I spread my new found wings and flew into the world where my heart and soul belonged, being a catalyst for positive change in others. Every day became filled with the passion of my lifetime, to make a difference in the world through each individual who came to me for help. In the words of Joseph Campbell, I followed my bliss. I learned and I grew from every life that I had the honour to touch in some small way. 

Five years ago, I recognised that there was something seriously wrong with my body and set off on a nightmare voyage to discover what it was. Eventually I was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma and survived an eight hour operation to remove the kidney and its tumour which stretched all the way along the vena cava into my heart. I hovered on the edge of death and by some grace survived. One year ago, I was once again facing my mortality when three tumours were found on my spine and on the muscle running alongside. Renal cell carcinoma is incurable when it reaches this stage but precious time is bought by newly developed drugs which cut off the blood supply to the tumours. These drugs are not effective for bone tumours. 

Most of the last year was spent in a state of serious illness, the reaction to the first drug prescribed put me in hospital for three weeks, flat on my back, so weak I could not raise my head from the pillows, barely able to speak and in need of support for all the most basic of needs. It taught me a lot about the love and dedication of others and also about my own inner strength. I will write more of this later. 

I was much too ill to be able to do the work I love. Most of the time, I could hardly raise the energy to speak let alone be there, fully present, for others. I missed this so much.There is nothing of sacrifice about my helping others, it is my life blood and without it, my life lacks meaning. Call me a compulsive helper. Other people have a fetish for cleaning and tidying up; mine is for clearing emotional debris. I have a compulsion to help others live more fully.I can't help it. It too is incurable. 

Yesterday,I made my mind up to start living that compulsion again, to bring what I have learned over the 61 years of my life,back out into the world. I have always loved to write, to express my thoughts feelings and experiences in the written word. Words have always seemed magical to me. They weave spells; they heal; they enter the mind and create the seeds of change. Whatever life is left to me, as long as I can think clearly and use a keyboard, I dedicate to bringing those magical words into the lives of those who may need them. 

The quote above came from a wonderful woman whose life I was privileged to enter, to journey with her through a period of profound transformation. I came across it on my computer today as I reviewed old files. It reminded me of who I am, of my calling. 

Watch this space. The butterfly wings are ready for flight.