Light in the Valley of the Shadow

Out of the Chrysalis - from today's newsletter. Your comments are very welcome and dialogue is encouraged. 

Much has happened in my life since the last “Out of the Chrysalis”. The most pivotal has been a gradual deterioration in my health and the long protracted and often challenging journey to the eventual diagnosis of clear cell kidney cancer. It culminated in an eight hour surgery, partly on by pass, to remove my left kidney and the tumour which had grown all the way along the vena cava and into the lower chamber of my heart. Kidney cancer is one of the rarer cancers and the condition I had occurs in less than one per cent of those diagnosed.  It was a high risk operation but in the hands of three skilled surgeons and their teams, I came through. The wonderful care of medical, nursing and support staff at the Golden Jubilee Hospital in Clydebank saw me make a remarkable and rapid recovery. It is now a few days away from the six month anniversary of this life restoring surgery.

I live each day as an act of gratitude for my life. I live each day in the awareness that the very aggressive tumour (Fuhrman Grade 4) could make its comeback and I have been forced to face my mortality, to look death in the eye and say, hold back, not yet, there is much still to be done with this life. Each four monthly CT scan is another landmark, another cause for gratitude. I have had my first all clear back in March and I travel forward in the hope that the second all  clear will come at the end of July. This will be the pattern of my life from now on.

I have been forced to face fear, to walk in the shadow of the valley of death, to make the act of surrender to a will other than mine. There have been times of great sorrow, great despair but something has always been there to lift me up and out into the light again. I have raged against God in momentary outbursts of desperate anger and I have sat in silence wrapped around in a peace that passes all understanding. I have knelt on the floor of my sitting room and screamed in helpless pain, shrieking my fear and rage out into the universe, and I have found an inner source of stillness and courage which carried me beyond those moments to something deeper, wiser, beyond.

I have discovered how much I am loved and valued in ways that I never dreamed of. So many people surrounded me with their loving, healing support. I once wrote about how empty I had felt growing up, how unable I was to truly feel the love that I knew was there rather than to simply know it. This last year was so intensely moving and affirming. I had no idea that I meant so much to so many people.  I joked with friends that I was in that rare position of reading my obituaries before I departed the world.

From the very beginning I made the decision to be open about the illness. I realised that I would need everyone with me, willing me well. I really did not know just how powerful that love would be and from so many places in the world. I was prayed for in African Missionary Churches, New England Covens and in places of worship of every faith in many nations. People sat in healing circles for me and Reiki Masters formed a team to send energy to me. I was given all manner of support and each one was born out of the gift of love. That love cushioned me, comforted me and carried me through. They were and are my earth angels, my own miracle team.

So my friends, past, present and yet to come, even in the darkness there is light and that light is love. Out of pain and troubled times comes transformation and new learning. Bear with me as I process the experience and I will share my heart, mind and soul with you. Together, we learn and grow.

It is spring here in Scotland. The trees are clouds of the softest green, the green of new life returning after the long sleep of winter. I too return from my long sleep, my journey deep within, from the shadows into the Light.

Some questions for you to contemplate if you so wish:

What is undone in your life that you would regret if you died before completion?

What steps will you take today towards completion?

What have you done that you wish undone?

What will you do to make amends and be at peace with your conscience?

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

-Winston Churchill

What if - five years on.

I wrote this five years ago in a world before cancer, before hospitals and operations and scans became a part of my life. Perhaps the difference I can now make is in how I live my life through this experience, in the help I can be to others making the same journey through pain and fear.

What if I took this nightmare experience and turned what I have learned into a resource for those who have entered the same nightmare?

What if instead of crying, I laughed and took this moment as a wonderful gift to be lived fully and what if those around me took comfort from this?

What if I used my pain to bring comfort and healing to others?

Now there's a thought to sleep on.

From here is what I wrote 5 years ago. I still think it worth the writing and is just as valid today.

What if ......……

This is a question which has been playing over and over in my mind for quite some time. I try to make sense of a world where there is so much pain and so many acts of horrific cruelty, and I ask myself what role love has to play in this? What difference can one woman or one man make in the devastation that surrounds us, and I find myself constantly drawn back to the idea of how life might be if we lived each day with loving intent.

As I drove back from my son‘s school this morning, all I could think about was the power that love has to heal , to transform, to create miracles. So how would it be if we made simple acts of love, our everyday practice? What if?

How would it be if we each dropped a tiny pebble of love into the ocean of life every day? What might be healed and transformed? What miracles might occur? Where and to whom would all these little ripples spread; whose lives would they wash over; what pain and misery and sorrow would they cleanse? What if all those tiny ripples of love, somehow connected and amplified? What if their collective energy was transformed into a mighty wave, rising higher than the earth, creating a cosmic tsunami, which swept away the sins of the world, and left it whole again. What if?

What if this morning on my school run, I had snarled instead of smiled? What if I had bellowed out protests against careless driving with my angry fist on the horn, instead of forgiving and allowing a story of understanding to fill my head? What if I had told myself that those drivers were “out to get me”, a symbol of the sickness of our society? Instead made a choice; I chose to extend compassion to them; I chose to sympathise with the pressure that they felt, pushing them to make mistakes, to take chances, to risk theprecious gift of life; I told myself another story in whichI pitied them and where there is pity, there is love and the capacity for anger and resentment vanishes. I sent them prayer instead of a curse.

What if, there had been one driver on the road this morning, filled with silent rage and despair, kicked around by life, until battered and broken, they had reached a place of darkness. Perhaps they were ready to die and perhaps they were ready to take the lives of others. Could one smiling face make a difference? Could the space I created for them to allow them onto the main road, when all the others drove past, make a tiny crack in the wall they had built around themselves? Could one simple loving act from a stranger shift their intent? What if all they were looking for was a sign, a sign that there is love and it practices what it preaches. What if?

Then there was the man who drove so aggressively, overtaking a long queue of backed up traffic, who then tried to push back into the line of patient waiting drivers hundreds of yards up the road. What if I had refused to let him in? What if I had looked at him with the anger and contempt I saw in other drivers’ eyes as they moved closer together to keep him out? What if he had been a father on his way to his dying child, frightened and alone in hospital? What if he had been going to lose his job if he was late one more time? What if?

What if we chose to take a moment to smile at the hostile, yawning girl at the supermarket check out, to sympathise about the long day she has had, to make her laugh with a small humorous comment? What if you were the only person who would speak to her that day who actually seemed to care. What if she is a single mum, who made the choice to keep her child, and for whom life is now a constant mind deadening struggle? What if that touch of love meant that her little one was hugged and held close that night instead of frightened by a worn out snarl or worse? What if?

What if you told the customer service agent, what a great job he is doing, what a pleasure it is to speak to someone who clearly knows their business and cares about his customers? What if you told him that you understand that the problem is not his fault and that you appreciate whatever he can do to help you? What if you spoke to his supervisor and complimented her on what excellent training she had obviously given this young man? What if these were the only positive words these two people had heard all week? What if they had been listening to abuse all day because they had been powerless to help? What if?

What if, we decided to look into the hearts of people instead of trying to read their minds? What if we gave them the benefit of the doubt? What if we stopped painting them as awkward or difficult or bad or even evil? What if we actually tried to understand why they act in the way they do? What if we sat down and listened to them? What if we treated them as we long to be treated? What if?

I could have written about war , about what happens when we forget to love, when we no longer see one another as individuals, but as monstrous projections of fear. I was tempted to write about the roots of terrorism and the dark pit of anger and despair it springs from; how all such acts create a hideously fertile breeding ground for yet more darkness to pour into the world. Instead, today I lightly touched on the positive difference one small, conscious act of kindness might make in your world.

What if you chose to be more loving today?

What if you walk out your door and commit an act of random kindness?

What if you were just a little more understanding, a little more compassionate, a tiny bit more patient?
What if you made a choice to live in the light of love, always looking for ways of demonstrating that love?

What if each small act of love dropped into the ocean of life, created that immense tidal wave?

What difference might that make to our troubled world?

What if we truly loved and all our actions came from that love?

What if?

What if.........

Some thoughts on Life and Dying

Today was my first post-operative CT scan. With a grade 4 Furhman scale tumour, this is something I will be doing every three months for the foreseeable future. I know that statistically that future might be short but I remind myself that none of us is given the knowing of the time or the manner of our death. Why should I torment myself now with the unknown when I can live and love and laugh right here, right now in this precious present moment.

Life is a gift. It is also a sacred mystery. We can never know the meaning of that gift; we can only sense it and for me that sensing is something so beautiful and so filled with light that I cannot even begin to express it. Holy is as close as I can get. Holy, holy, holy, Lord God of Hosts, Heaven and Earth are full of your glory, Hosannah in the Highest.

Here in my heart, in the depth of who I am, beyond this body and this mind, there is a song of love and transcending power pulsing in harmony with a universal heart that unites all sentient beings. I live, I love , I am.

There is no death and though I may fear the process of dying, the sorrow of parting with my loved ones, this passing from one form to another is the changing of a season, the natural energetic shift of new life from old.

Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, no evil shall I fear. I trust and I surrender. In this moment I know peace.

For my mother

This is the Mother’s Day
I feared I would not see
Would not be here to
Be your daughter,

A day where thoughts
Would be wrapped round
In the grief filled space
That once was me.

So here I am
And here you are
Not just another
Mother’s Day.

A day when I allow
All the love I feel
The deep gratitude
For all you are to me.

For every step
Along the way
Of this particular cross
You helped me carry.

I am here today
Because of you
You carried me
Nine months
And all my life.

Your love sustains me
Your love empowers me
Gives me strength
When my world implodes

Raised me from my knees
When I was broken
With the burden
And the fear

You held me
When I wept
You soothed me
When I hurt
So deep
So badly
I wanted to die
To simply slip away

You held me
Until I found
The inner power
To once again
Hold myself
To be the space
That would have been
An empty void
But for your love.

Breath

I wrote this a few years ago and came across it this morning. An interesting coincidence as I have begun writing again after a very long silence as I dealt with amongst many other things, a progressive deterioration in my breathing. Breath, life, creativity - a potent mix and one I have never before been so aware of. I started on an inhaler on Friday and already I am breathing more easily. Breath is life and breath is power. I look forward to the continuing pleasure of the former and the joy of taking back the latter.

I breathe out upon this paper,
The beating of my heart,
Out into the wondering world,
A butterfly breath.

It shakes the forests of the Amazon,
Thunders on the mountain peak,
Stirs the distant oceanic deep,
One sacred breath, one heart beat.

I breathe out upon this paper,
In Black words etching
The whiteness of the universe,
Butterfly breath, breathing worlds.