Out of the Chrysalis - A Change In Mind: Out of the Darkness

Out of the Chrysalis - A Change In Mind: Out of the Darkness: "I am writing this tonight for all the souls crying out in the darkness of their own minds. I want them to know that there is always a way th..."

Out of the Darkness

I am writing this tonight for all the souls crying out in the darkness of their own minds. I want them to know that there is always a way through. It is not an easy way but there is a way. There is always a way. 

Last year when I hovered so close to death, the worst part was the not knowing. It took so long to come to a diagnosis and the waiting between tests was so painful, there were times when I felt that I could not go on for one moment more. 

For eighteen months, I knew that something was seriously wrong with my body, the body I had always been so sure of. Suddenly I could no longer trust it. I had always taken my health for granted, so sure of it because I came from a very healthy, long lived and largely cancer free family. Now my instincts told me that death was lurking inside me but I did not know where, nor did the numerous doctors I consulted. For the last six months, I knew through a combination of symptoms and blood test results that there was some form of cancer eating away at me and I grew more and more desperate and afraid, desperate to know what it was so I could be treated and afraid that it would be too late by the time it was found. 

I don't think I have the words to convey the anguish of waiting, waiting for appointments for consultations, waiting for appointments for tests, waiting for results, waiting and more waiting and then more waiting. Every morning there was the daily ritual of checking the mail box for appointment cards which never seemed to arrive when expected, at least twice because the information had been lost or not conveyed correctly. 

 Eventually it became too hard for me to even go to the box and my mother did it for me. She came to dread it a much as I did. The hope was so much more cruel. It raised me up for fleeting moments to crush me with such deadening disappointment. 

I remember one morning in particular when I was once again waiting for an appointment with the next consultant in the next speciality which might or might not reveal what was wrong. I had been waiting for three weeks for what had been an urgent request and yet again there was nothing. I knelt on the floor in our sitting room and I opened my mouth and screamed and screamed and screamed. All the anger, all the pain, all the frustration and the fear poured out of me in each shriek. Then I yelled at God. I won't repeat what I called him but I sobbed out that I could not go on any more, to get it over with and take me. Torrential tears triggered the dreaded spasms of coughing which rendered me almost without breath. I just wanted it to be over.

So many time like this, my mind turned to the thought that it would be so much easier just to slip away, to die and be free from both the physical and mental suffering. Yet, once the tears had fallen and the screaming was over, somewhere inside me the instinct for survival was fighting back. I unleashed the ferocity of my anger and frustration and slowly the beginnings of peace came to an exhausted mind and body. It was like being wrapped around in a healing balm. For ever increasing periods of time, I knew what it was to be held in an invisible yet palpable force of love and light. The shadows would return, then the venting and then that blissful sensation of something sacred encompassing me. 

It would suddenly sweep over me and I would be filled with such a sweetness of gratitude, the still centre in the eye of the storm. It took me into a place of healing and a quiet joy. In those last months before my diagnosis and operation, those moments when I rested in that oasis of powerful calm saved my life and my sanity. 

It is now a whole year since my diagnosis with kidney cancer and three weeks away from the anniversary of the operation which saved my life. Today I am healthier than I have been in years. Today I am grateful beyond all measure for the gift of the peace that saved me. I was in such agony of spirit and I found my way through. You will find your way too. 

There is nothing that cannot be overcome. We may not win the battle for our lives but we can win the battle for the way we live them. Each day, in common with many others who have experienced the darkness of cancer, I live with the knowledge that it can back and that statistically in my own case, that is far more likely than not. Living with fear is a challenge but one which does not overwhelm me. Each day is a gift to be treasured. 

I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and I am here to tell the tale. You can keep putting one foot in front of you on your path and you will come out into the light. Place your hand in mine and walk with me, Just close your eyes and sense the flow of love and light. Feel my hand in yours. Together we walk our paths and together we find our way. 

To Light a Candle

Many years ago ,as a teenager, I read all of the works of Alexander Solzhenitsyn, one of Russia's most brilliant writers. One which impacted upon me very powerfully was "Cancer Ward". I have never forgotten the old Russian proverb that summed up the book for me:

"It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness"

It is my hope that when I leave this earth that those who remember me will see a candle whose flame chased away a little of the darkness. Life is filled with beauty and love but sometimes we need a friend to light that candle so we can see it. In telling my story and showing the positive aspects I have chosen to take out of it, I hope that I can be that friend. 

When I read Cancer Ward, I never dreamed that one day that curse would reach out and strike me. There was little history of cancer in my family and what there was seemed to be the cancers of old age. I watched my beloved grandmother die of bladder cancer at the age of 79. I was just turning 16 and it was a pivotal event in my life. I was so determined that no one should suffer as she did that I switched from studying arts to focusing on science. I had always wanted to be a writer but now I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to save lives. 

That was not to be. I had left the change too late and with little aptitude for mathematics, the stretch into A Level Physics proved to be too far for me. Troubled people had always turned to me for help and I began to wonder if there was something I could do to  heal the mind if I could not heal the body. I studied Psychology at University but when I graduated I realised that I was too young and inexperienced to make this my profession. I was also unable to detach myself sufficiently from the empathic connection to those in need and I recognised that I needed to be able to do that or I would find myself in the deep waters of the mind without the strength to reach the shore. 

My father offered me a position in our family company and somehow the years drifted by in the companionship and challenge of working with my siblings. I learned so much in those twenty five years. I like to think that I also gave much. I worked my way through various management positions until I created our People Development Department, where we used leading edge training in personal development.This was the most fulfilling, exciting and stimulating period of my career but that is a story, or perhaps several stories, for other days. 

At the age of 50, I finally began my work as a therapist. It had only taken 25 years to finally judge myself worldly wise and emotionally resilient enough to help others through the mine fields of the mind. It is my joy and it is my calling. It has been a long time coming but each year has brought me the experience and the emotional maturity essential to this work. 

So here I am today doing the work I love and yet I sense there is a further purpose to this life. It lies in the alliance of those two callings from long ago, the calling to heal and the calling to write. When I work with individuals, I reach into that one mind. The work we do helps that person and those close to them. When I write, I can reach many minds. I can be a candle that lights the darkness not for one alone but for many. 

I have always been an inconsistent writer. Like the butterfly, I have been easily distracted by the next beautiful flower. In this journey through cancer and its aftermath, I have learned a new inner discipline. It has been a long time coming. The prospect of death, of dying with the music still trapped inside me, is a spur to action. 

Someone asked me recently if coming close to death had changed me. I told him that in some ways it had but in others it had not. Near death experiences do not suddenly transform you. You still have all the same weaknesses and flaws but what you do have is the knowledge of just how strong and courageous you truly are. You have come to the edge and you have flown. 

This is the change. I no longer find it acceptable to drift in the same comfortably seductive sea of what I know and what I have always done.  In opening myself to change, I hope to be a little light in a naughty world and be of some encouragement to others to change what needs to be changed. 

Do not wait for the call of death to bring you to this realisation. Wake up and live.  What music stirs inside you fighting to be heard? Let the world hear it. Sing your song. 

On these pages you will hear my voice singing my music out into the world. It will sometimes be discordant, sometimes painful to the ear, but occasionally it may strike a chord, When it does... let the magic begin.

A Moment of Grace

8th July, 2010


Welcome to the Chrysalis, where my intent is to write what is both reflective and inspirational. Life is a journey and we learn along the way through our experiences and their integration into our life. This is my life and the lessons I have learned from the way I have chosen to live it.


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Moments of Grace






"Yes, tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, no evil shall I fear"






Tomorrow afternoon I have the second series of CT scans since my operation in November. It is something that I will face every four months or so, for the rest of my life, to check that the particularly aggressive kidney cancer which precipitated the operation, has not returned. I have been working on keeping my imagination in check, turning it away from fear driven visions to ones of positive healing. It has not been easy but fear is not to be surrendered to, acknowledged and faced, but never allowed to overwhelm.


As I sat watching television earlier this evening, I had a moment of grace. Out of the mundane came something sacred. Such is the working and blessing of grace.


Into my consciousness came these words.






I am grateful for every precious moment of my life, for every part of it without reservation.


Whatever the outcome of my scan tomorrow, I will still be grateful for all I have experienced, all I have done, all I have been and above all for the love I have given and received in my life.


Whatever, the outcome , I am grateful for my life, for all I have been and all I might yet be. I have been so blessed in so many ways. It has been a good life.


I surrender this life and whatever lies ahead to the Light. I surrender and I trust.


I surrender and I trust.


Whatever may be.






Each moment has been a blessing ,even, or perhaps especially ,those which have been the most difficult, painful and challenging. Out of these moments of darkness has come so much light, so much peace and stillness of being. In the stillness there has come a knowing of what we might term the face of God, the Divine , the deep within.


I am not an adherent of any religion but I have a deep sense of the Divine, a profound, inner sensing of the presence in all of our lives of something which is immensely powerful and good, something that is within all of us and ignites our fragile sparks of life into one great illuminating Light.






Out of darkness, the Light is born.


Out of the chrysalis, the changeling caterpillar is reborn to a new life of beauty and the freedom of flight.


Who is to say that this is not also our journey?


Tonight I experienced a moment of grace.


I am grateful.






Maria Stepek Doherty






When do you allow yourself moments to be still, to be completely in the now?


What moments of grace have brushed against you and left you still and peaceful?


What is the meaning of Grace in your life?


Allow the questions to sit in your souls and see what answers appear in your lives.


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Out of the Chrysalis - A Day To Be Grateful

Today is my 58th birthday, a day I feared I would not see.

This time last year I was in the midst of a frightening search for the cause of my illness. I knew I had cancer and my doctors suspected I had cancer but no one knew where and all tests had proved elusive.

This time 6 months ago, I left hospital following an 8 hour plus surgery to remove my left kidney and the tumour that stretched all the way into my heart.

It is strange the difference a year or six months or six days or six hours or six minutes can make. Miracles can blossom in those time scales. Life may be taken away or life may be granted. Time is precious but it is unpredictable.

Today I celebrated my birthday with my husband and son, amidst the greetings, gifts and blessings of family and friends across the world. 

Today I drank champagne and ate hand made chocolates, Today I lifted my glass and my heart to all those who made it possible for me to be here today. I have always spoken of gratitude but never have I truly experienced so profoundly how much I have to be thankful for.

Today I watched the woodpeckers hanging from the seed filled coconut, feeding in preparation for bringing new life into this world. I rejoiced at their return to our garden, allowed peace and gratitude to fill my soul for being here to see them once again, for the hope that they will bring their young to feed later this season as they did last year.

There are patterns in our life, so beloved, so fragile. Patterns, rituals, daily occurrences that we take for granted until suddenly they are almost gone forever. There is beauty all around us that we have become blind too, goodness that we do not stop to appreciate, joy bubbling up that we push back down with all the daily concerns of our lives. We fill ourselves up with fearful "what ifs" instead of allowing "what is".

"What if" may never happen and you will not make it any less likely too by worrying about it. By all means deal with it rationally, do what you can to prevent it but do not allow a shadow that may be without substance to cloud the light of the now.

Now is all we  have. Everything else is the past or a future that may or may not be. I chose to be fully present in the now, to experience it in all its joys and sorrows. It is but a moment and it will pass. There is no guarantee of the next or the next or the next.

Now is all we have. Live it.

Now is all we have. Love it.

Now is all we have.

Now is enough.

Maria Stepek Doherty

So what is weighing you down today?

What can be jettisoned from this moment's thoughts to lift you up again?

What if  the "what if"  never happened? Will you look back and regret destroying your happiness in the now with what never came?

What if it already has? Does it help to wallow in it or could you raise your eyes for a moment, breathe deeply and look at the beauty around and within you.

So when those thoughts come out of the darkness, take your cosmic bat and whack them out of this ball park into oblivion. It is what I do with mine. Try it.

Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery.  And today?  Today is a gift.  That's why we call it the present.  ~Babatunde Olatunji

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achangeinmind@blueyonder.co.uk